Of Course I Voted for Trump, You Idiots

Special OP-ED from Governor Larry Hogan

Annapolis (SPP) Now that I’ve safely won re-election, it’s time for me to get some things off my chest. I’ve been waiting for a long time to do this.

As you know, thanks to those morons in Prince George’s County and Baltimore City and those know-it-all elitist white liberals in Montgomery, Maryland is a State that Republicans aren’t supposed to win. But I got some lucky breaks. Four years ago, I somehow managed to come out on top in a crowded Republican primary. Then I got to run against an incompetent Democrat who took the race for granted, in a Republican year. What an idiot!

Still the election was close. In any normal state, I would have won by 50 points. I knew that re-election was not guaranteed. Just ask Bob Ehrlich. He did a reasonably decent job. There was no reason for the voters to fire him. But it’s a Democrat State and the Democrats came up with a plausible candidate in a year that was already trending against Republicans. So I knew that I could take nothing for granted this election.

I did my best to govern as a moderate in the hope of holding on to and picking up as much support from Democrats as I could, without completely abandoning all of my principles. I spoke about us having a middle temperament. I tried my best to appease the Democrats. I removed the controversial statute of Chief Justice Taney from the State House grounds. I told people that I would not endorse or vote for Donald Trump. I know that this upset many in my base. But they also knew that I was the best they were going to get as a Republican in Maryland.

As the election drew closer, Republicans knew they had no choice. Were they really going to elect a “socialist” like Ben Jealous just because I took a few leftie positions? Ben Jealous is actually a nice guy, but he was way over his head. Completely clueless. Americans don’t want to embrace socialism. Do you think even those rich liberals in Montgomery County want to give up their money to have it redistributed? Now I know Ben isn’t really a socialist, but he was stupid enough to get carried away on MSNBC and say that before he become a candidate. He had other gaffs too, like claiming he was running for President and then governor of Virginia. That was pure campaign gold. God must really like me to keep giving me opponents like that.

So now, here we are, safe with another four years. I can’t run again. Actually, I think I can, but I’m going to follow the normal tradition and make this my last term. With that said, let me come clear. All that moderate stuff was just an act. I’m a beer drinking small businessman from Edgewater. Do you know anyone else like that who isn’t super right-wing? Of course, I voted for Trump. Do you think that I really wanted to see Hillary as my President? She belongs in jail! And anyone stupid enough to think that in the privacy of the voting booth I wasted my vote by writing-in my father probably shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Also, I want to come clean on a couple more things too. Gun control, forget about it. I’m going to veto any new gun control bills that come my way. And I’m annulling other gun controls through my pardon power. If you want to walk around and carry, either open or concealed, be my guest. I’ll be printing pardons by the thousands to hand out. And that statute of Chief Justice Taney is going back up. Just because you don’t like one of his opinions is not a reason to remove history. You don’t like it? Too bad. I’m putting a statute of Brent Kavanaugh right next to him. He’ll be holding a beer. Maybe even groping a woman. It’s going to be fun watching some of you get triggered!

The next four years should be interesting as I find ways to govern more as the fire breathing conservative that I am. And to my Democrat friends who voted for me, thanks suckers. Now let’s get busy Making Maryland Great AGAIN!